To those who know the trauma and shame of sexual abuse or Assault:
Whether you survived childhood sexual abuse, experienced a date that didn’t go as expected, or have endured harassment at the workplace; you are not alone.
In my early twenties, a Christian man forty years my elder assaulted me. He didn’t knock-me-down-kind-of-assault, but weaseled his way into my life as a friend. We met on a mission trip! Oh that pains me, the hypocrisy of it all.
The incident took place while I was a guest at his home. I silenced that horrible experience for fourteen years because I reasoned he didn’t rape me. Someone else had it worse.
But what about the awkwardness I felt around couples?
My chest tensed while conversing with men. The lie women hated me plagued my thoughts. And I often felt powerless to voice what I wanted or needed.
It came to a head when my husband and I went for counsel regarding our future while serving as church planters in France. After mentioning my experience to the counselor, he suggested a book to read; The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender.
Upon returning to France, I made a choice to move into my pain from uncomfortable symptoms. As I began to face my inner turmoil, my emotional life exploded.
A year later my husband and I returned to the states to work on our Masters in Counseling. During our courses, I began to write poetry. I also contemplated, who is Jesus? How does He fit into my story of sexual assault? Would He care about it? How would my Christianity impact my life for healing?
I delved into a search of how Jesus treated women in the Bible.
I combed every story in the life of Jesus involving a woman. I studied what He said and did, and what He didn’t say and do.
My heart leaped with the knowledge I discovered; Jesus is the only indisputable safe man. I learned He stuck up for women, acknowledged their faith and good deeds. He treated women with respect and therefore is completely trustworthy. His death and life empowers us to move from victim to freedom. He is able to restore our desire to be courageous, strong and beautiful.
I have counseled women from various different backgrounds now for over fifteen years. I am a licensed therapist and have worked in the mental health field and with those working for non-profit organizations.
You may be looking for someone who ‘gets’ the battle inside you.
There IS hope. You can find healing from sexual abuse, assault, and shame in the safety, power, and love of Jesus.
Please join me and find a place of safety and discover Jesus, a man of peace.
Jewelry Box
by Lynne S. Head
pretty jewelry box
hides a girl’s treasure
there it keeps safe
most valuable possessions
In it she places
her heart,
for it is
her highest value
fear of losing it
or of being destroyed
keeps the girl
from lifting its lid
who will restore
a sense of security,
restore courage
and beauty?
the One
who created
this girl
whose dignity
no one can take
open the lid
take out life’s
most important
part
take out the
heart
and place it
within you
letting His
love
pulsate peace
casting out
all
your
fear
A Song
by Lynne S. Head
Blue lines and feathers
black streaks with white
what a pretty blue jay
sits in my sight.
He flits and flies
comes back again
oh what a treat
to look at him.
Deep inside he has a song
each bird God made, to him belongs,
music, beauty
color and song.
Created by Him, I have a song
I am made to sing my beauty.
A beauty to be
a beauty to share
Grant me grace
to enjoy who I am,
when I believe it’s safe
I will bring glory to Him.
What are the colors of my life?
Do they dazzle, shimmer, and dance?
Is it safe to offer what I long to share
to be enjoyed for what’s deep within?
O God, shine on me with your grace
strengthen me to believe it’s true
Open my heart and set me free
to sing out my song
unashamed.
At My Father’s Table
by Lynne S. Head
Father:
Little girl, little girl
come take my hands
little girl oh, precious little girl
what has happened to You?
I can see your shame,
your eyes look afraid
there is no laughter
on your face.
Little girl, precious girl
how I long to give
you my love
and endearing words.
But bring me your heart,
where have you put it?
You look so empty
without it.
Go and find it
keep it inside,
for it is there I can put
my love and peace.
Take my hands
let me hold you tight,
you want to be freed
from your pain.
Let me twirl you around
lift you up off the ground
let your spirit soar
with me.
Little Girl:
Oh Father, Father,
I am crying
for I have a pain
so deep.
I’ve hidden my heart
because I felt so ashamed
I couldn’t bear
to tell it.
I will take my heart
entrust it to You
I pray You will
never let it go.
For my fear is great.
Father:
Oh child, come to my table
where we can sit together
and be safe from any fear.
Stay with me, rest with me.
For my love is great.
Battle of the Storm
by Lynne Head
When I am feeling terrified
by the storm
turning within
I try to ignore my fear
fighting my inner pain.
It’s an illusion of control
to be my own Savior
I’m only fighting
as a child in a battle
bigger than I can handle.
I admit I’m not a warrior
I’ve attempted before to fight
but it only hides creeping fear
death lingers
in my mind.
I have to let go of my sword
let go of being strong
let myself feel my terror
tightness, rapid breathing.
I’m afraid, I scream.
Whisking wind and rain,
I cannot fight the clamor
I’m feable inside
admit my weakness, feel the ache
don’t try to be so strong.
Yet, in the eye of the storm
there is the quiet inner place.
I reach out my hand
He clasps mine from above
I feel I can hardly hang on.
The storm shakes and chokes me
Oh God it’s such a lonely place
embracing the fear inside
I prefer to cover up
with self-contempt and pride.
It’s not easy, wavering in a storm
but You give me a promise
I will not be alone
You never leave me
to face it on my own.
I’m repenting of my ways
trying to control and be strong.
To be weak, is to be brave
and to be brave, is to be weak.
Help me God, in this battle of the storm.
Beginning to Believe
by Lynne S. Head
I’m beginning to believe
there’s something beautiful inside
it’s not in externals-not what I wear
not how much I weigh, not my face or my hair.
It’s all in my heart
the joy, stillness and love
it’s freedom to shine, freedom to give
it’s even being unafraid to receive.
For I know now deep within
there’s a beauty in me, not from outside
but it’s from Him.
He is my maker, my redeemer, and friend.
It is He that has given rest to my soul
it is He that gives me purpose who has made me whole.
He fills me up when I am in need.
He’s restored a sense of safety when I’ve been afraid.
He’s given me back my lost sense of worth
and brought life again in my rebirth.
Freedom I cry for release of my soul
believe in the One, let Him take control.
To the One that I love, to the One whose brought hope,
I’m finally believing to be what’s inside.
Give it away, give it away.
You can’t keep it locked up only to stay.
You were meant to release what’s stored up inside
because this is when life starts coming alive.
What’s there in the heart, there to share,
there to give, giving to love
loving to give, to bring Him glory and
honor and praise.
What is it now that’s inside you to give?
Open the door, the longing comes out,
you will unfold from the depths of your heart.
Don’t be afraid, don’t be ashamed.
He’s made you to give, to enjoy being known.
Give it away you are not alone.
Fear of Beauty
by Lynne S. Head
Why is it I so fear beauty?
For me, beauty stirs up evil.
But why can’t beauty be strong?
Good?
For me- the memory of beauty
brings mocking, betrayal, deceit,
corruption, dishonesty, selfishness,
power plays, cheating,
something unwanted,
lack of trust,
sadness, fear, hopelessness,
godlessness.
When have I seen beauty good?
Give me an example.
It is only in Jesus I see
Faithful, trusting beauty that loves.
Everyone else has gone astray.
How my heart longs to be able
to trust in someone beautiful
who will not deceive me.
There is only one to trust.
One to lean on.
One to know.
One who will not turn on me.
Oh Jesus, teach me to hold on toYou.
There must be a way to open up
my heart if I learn to unfold
in the strength of Your love.
Though the storm shakes and
seeks to rattle me inside-
He longs to enter in and
calm the torrent of my soul.
Beauty is not bad-but so
many times its’ played that tune.
Where can I hear the music
of trust in a beautiful person?
I have a Man who lives inside me.
He is beauty itself. He has a
song He longs to sing if I
let Him open my heart to His tune.
Let it sing, let it trust. He can
conqueor any evil or wrong.
It is so tender, yet so strong
in my heart-I want to surrender.
Beauty becomes a moment
of trust, a lifetime
of learning
what eternity is for.
When my heart can be
still and sing to Him,
beauty
will be good.
Fear of men
by Lynne S. Head
Why is it I have such fear of men?
Why the cringing, looking away,
half-hearted conversation,
lack of trust,
fear of fear itself-
all consuming fire.
Young and innocent
turned dirty and dark.
Could terror,
and trickery be restored?
Men cannot be trusted, there is not one-
my heart trusts no more.
In my heart
I know a Man who redeemed
the hearts of mankind,
man and woman.
A new found hope lies deep within-
a Man I can trust.
His name is strong
His love true
standing beside me,
Him I hold onto.
Jesus, You make my heart
steadfast
You make
new hearts of men.
Goodness.
There are some that can be trusted,
my heart, believes in Him.
Hardwood Floor
by Lynne S. Head
Oft times I feel
as though
I’m covered
like a carpet
upon a floor.
I am the floor
being smothered
by a rug
holding me down.
I can’t breathe
I often allow
a man’s presence
to be like the rug.
I’m suffocating
I’m powerless.
Wall to wall carpet
over plywood
is understandable.
For too long
I have viewed myself
as the inferior plywood.
There is fear
no life
little choice.
But I am a hardwood floor,
not manmade.
Jesus created me.
I choose wrongly
to dip under
the rug of men.
They have no real power over me,
but I choose to let them
have it again
and again.
Like the dawning
of the day
through the Spirit;
it was revealed to me.
I have found the
answer.
I must recondition.
Like a dive underwater,
holding my breath.
What do I do when I am
near a man?
Surface, breathe.
align myself with Christ.
He’s holding
me up.
And doesn’t it say in scripture
the veil tore in two?
Christ’s bodily death ripped
the carpet from me.
It is time to be freed.
Time to show the hardwood floor.
Time to show the value, the beauty.
Time to come out from hiding.
He is there.
Like the hardness of floor,
so is the hardness of the cross.
It wasn’t a pleasant sight,
blood, broken flesh,
on a rugged piece of wood.
But in exchange, He
has made me clean, pure,
beautiful, polished, smooth.
How could I choose to hide?
He completed the work
once and for all.
He rolled up the carpet.
It’s off
and I’m free
to be myself for Him.
Jesus Was There
by Lynne S. Head
He was there for dinner
just after I arrived
He was there in the castle
and for the moped ride.
He was there when he tried
He was there by the pool
He was there in the confusion
He was there when I was cool.
He was there in my anger
and there in my shame
He was there when I was quiet,
when I wanted to shout and blame.
He was there in the car, and at the game
He was there when my friend suspected the wrong
He was there when we left
when danger felt strong
He was there in the riches,
the knight and armour clad hall
He was there in this man’s power
when I felt none at all.
He was there when I was paralyzed
and numb with disbelief
He was there when we left to go
stung by my inner grief.
He was there when I yelled “violation”
He was there when he sulked and claimed innocence.
He was there when we parted and he saw in my eye
something very wrong, deep down inside.
He was there when I returned home
to my friends and wept.
He was there in the whole
nauseating experience.
Now it’s been years later
and I have thought and cried
to Jesus for His comfort
when I thought my heart had died.
What I thought had brought destruction
His power has set me free
His Presence has made the difference
because Jesus was there for me.
Hidden Place of Light
By Lynne S. Head
There is a hidden room upstairs that I fear not go in
for in it is the unknown terror to which I walk
like a long dark corridor with doors that are closed
I fear that one will open and a scream will be disclosed.
The taunting of the enemy the mockery the crime
I couldn’t fight it off my voice was kept inside
the betrayal kept me silent for the power was too strong
to keep me from saying what was to right the wrong
my hear felt paralyzed it wanted to scream and cry
but what was to my shame there was no mercy left from him.
There was something that was cunning, something all so very kind
that kept me feeling trapped inside.
The network that was all setup just for me
left me feeling angry, used, and my body burning see.
I want to kill that passion, that was stirred all up inside
I want to kill my longing that was too dumb to see.
I’d rather hate myself than to let myself again
ever let my heart feel what so deeply lies within.
And yet with courage I continue to the inner chamber,
like a haunted house that I wish not to remember.
There is the fear that terrifies and nightmares that were real and true-
but somewhere deep inside I feel a light within
I know there is a candle burning
that tells me there exists the truth.
But I must have courage to go there-
it’s the fear that chains me back. No, I say no I know there is more-
more than this daunting hallway that so hard tries to keep me down.
There really is a reality somewhere deep within-
it says that His power is greater than all these awful things.
I feel a light shining drawing me closer to Itself.
The terror doesn’t overtake me as much as I had thought.
Those screams and peals of laughter-mocking after me
are no longer gripping, they lose there hold it’s the longing deep within.
It’s to It I run now bravely its longing I embrace
because if I let it come alive it is what makes me feel safe.
I have stepped now to the other side the door has opened wide-
the light now beams brightly it is Him that I find.
He has brought His glory to shine upon my face
there is no darkness around me only light in this place.
He has made me captive to live a life of peace
for I have entered in
my heart has become at rest.
Oh Lord is it really possible that I have walked this path
the courage that I needed has brought me to this?
My longing to be safe my longing to be comforted
there is a hope that’s burned inside but was deadened by my pain.
Please Lord give to me the strength I so much need
to pull me through the corridor of my soul.
The place that I resist so that I can find real life
real power where I am above my past
Lead me Father to Your side where I am not alone
to a place where my heart’s at rest and I can call it home.
Home in my heart because You are there. I never felt it anywhere. Oh I thank you Lord for me your death has brought me to this place of rest.
If I Were Your Brother
by Lynne S. Head
If I were your brother I would come to you with open hands.
I would kneel before you and bow my head.
If I were your brother I would weep at your feet
for the lost years of innocence and pain.
If I were your brother I’d walk alongside you,
listen to your tears and feel your hurt.
I would offer you food for comfort if it would,
but I know there is nothing this world offers to soothe your soul.
There is One who offers hope, One who can bring healing.
It is I. I am. I heal. Depend on Me. Man of sorrows.
Some Kind of Woman
by Lynne Head
What kind of woman do you see
when you look into her face?
What kind of woman do you know
when she speaks her thoughts?
I see and hear the cries of them
who flash upon the screen
playing parts they believe
will be accepted by all men.
Its foolish living, they
think love lies upon that path
for in the end they’ve given over
to an imprisonment.
There is a kind of woman hard to find
that has beauty as her rest,
she follows a Man that brings her peace
for she gives her heart in His hand.
He leads her in ways that are pure,
He asks for her to trust His love.
She offers in turn her quiet strength,
she risks letting go of control.
Courage and honor
become fruits of her life.
Jesus has made her
some kind of woman.
No Longer Victim
by Lynne Head
I am no longer victim
to fears I have lived
no longer obligated
to surrender
The power of man
used to tug at my heart
numbing my fear
paralyzing choice
No longer destined
to walk into danger
voiceless and angry
betrayed and deceived
Trust that was broken
shame that was chosen
feelings of worthlessness
grew in my heart
Now I know One
much greater
who gives life
and strength to me
He is bold and tender
safe and gentle
He is triumphant over
what had been wrong
He is my hope and light
giver of worth
I am no longer victim
with Jesus
Princess Bride
By Lynne S. Head
Today I am a princess bride
wearing a crown of gold
my smile, soft and radiant.
I am dressed in a gown
of breath-taking white
so white, it shines.
Not from my own
strength or power
but from the One
who loves me enough
to have shed His blood
on my behalf.
Jesus has clothed
me in such white
in such brilliance.
He is the one I adore
He has made me
whole, pure.
Ah Lord Jesus to You I bow
to You I honor
for You I wait.
As I wait for the Day,
You fill me with Your glory,
honor, rest, pleasure.
I am at peace, I am at peace,
I am at peace
as I wait upon You.
Today, I wear this dress
but tomorrow
I can wear it again.
In fact, every day
and forever
I may wear this bridal gown.
It is my privilege
I choose to believe
He has washed me clean
I am no longer what was
I now am new
what a glorious bridegroom
I have and what
a beautiful bride
He has let me become!
Reflection
by Lynne Head)
There are times when
I see my reflection,
I hate what I long
to believe.
There’s an image
of me I want to like
but one I so quickly
reject.
If truth were said
I long to believe
what is outside and inside
is good.
Believing He put
the mark of His hand
inside and out
of my being.
I long to let the man
Jesus place
his acceptance deep
in my soul.
From my head to my heart
from my heart to my head
I want to believe
in His unconditional love.
A reflection of Him
a reflection in me
that’s when
I can believe.
Fear, fear, fear in me
fear inside my head.
Fear, fear, fear in me
fear inside my heart.
Cast my crippling fear
at his feet
He can restore
the reflection in me.
Resting in Beauty
By Lynne S. Head
There is a fear
we all have of beauty
for beauty in itself
is a reflection of God
but with it
are devil’s schemes
beauty fears when
there is no trust
it fears when it is not
perceived as good
it coils when viewed as an object
or shame finds it attractive-
but what we long for
is to let beauty rest
let it be calm and know
everything’s going to be okay
as long as the One
who made it, is right there-
there is permission
to calm down, take a breath
let it shine,
beauty
like
moonlight
on still
waters
quietly
gracefully
just resting
if you
can rest,
it’ll
make
you
weep
because
there is
nothing
to
fear.
Rider (Rev 19: 11-16)
by Lynne S. Head
You are the rider standing there
dressed in garments dipped in
Your own blood.
You have done the deed,
done what was necessary.
The price was your life.
Now you ride ready to fight,
crowned with many crowns
displaying your past victories.
Your eyes shine like blazing fire
you hold a sharp sword
between your teeth.
You are called Faithful and True
written upon you is a powerful name
no one knows but you.
I hear the beating of a drum
just behind are riders,
dressed in white ready for battle.
This is not sweet fellowship.
Now is not a time for love,
NOW’s a time of war.
If only I could taste
your great authority,
on your robe and thigh is written:
KING OF KINGS
AND LORD OF LORDS.
Who can stand against You
or defy your holy name?
The beast and kings
of the earth are doomed.
The Word of God is here.
The time has come for justice,
when He will right all wrongs.
He has been so patient,
some thought
He would never come.
The white horse is ready.
The Rider is on His way.
She Didn’t Protect Me
by Lynne S. Head
I didn’t understand it then
but now it’s all so clear
when I entered in their home
she didn’t want me there.
She must have felt rejected
or thought he’s done it again
quietly she suffered
speaking not a word to him.
She could have said don’t do that
I see your secret war
there’s something so much better
your life could stand for.
I’m angry with this woman
for in her silent way
I also had to suffer
being used that horrible day.
I feel so much hatred
against their selfish sin
my body feeling tense
by sick things that happened.
Wanting to scream
wishing I could cry
wanting to reveal their evil schemes
so that I wouldn’t die.
I could never find the justice
to condemn them both to death
I have no power of my own
to even save my breath.
I must trust the Father
as terrible as it was
for his love and mercy
coming from above.
I must let go of wanting
to seek revenge myself
and open up my hands and heart
and cry to Him for help.
To Be Safe
By Lynne S. Head
I want to be safe
be at peace
and at ease
if this could
be possible
I could
feel okay
if I were
safe
then I
could trust
I could
relax inside
and beauty
could open up
I could begin
to dance
begin to breath
I could laugh
jump
smile
learn
I could
enjoy life
around
me as it is
To be me
to be free
is this
the rest
He speaks of?
Resting in His
joy
resting in His
smile
I love to feel
His peace
and rest
awhile
Who is Jesus?
by Lynne S. Head
Who is Jesus?
is what
I ask
when my
heart
is filled
with pain.
Who is He?
when I
suffer
with grief
and
great
sorrow.
He is tender
with mercy
and strong
with love,
He understands
like no
one else.
He doesn’t
guilt or
shame,
He only gently
leads me
back to
His grace.
Back in
His arms,
He holds me
to His
heart
that weeps
over me.
His kindness
heals like
cool water
to a thirsty
traveler-
if I will only
drink Him up.
Steady as
the wind
at the ocean
shore,
He gently
restores
my soul,
to
comfort
my loss
and
heal
the
ache.
Who is Jesus?
He’s the
missing
piece
that
makes me
whole.